Last First Days

My kiddos started school last Tuesday (I know, I'm late to blog about it)...and it was kind of sad. 

This is my beautiful daughter, Alexys, and one of her friends, Amanda.  Alexys is a senior this year.  That means it is her LAST FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!  sniff sniff  She humored me and let me catch a photo before they dashed out. 

This is my handsome son, Devon.  He is in 5th grade this year.  What does that mean?  It's his LAST FIRST DAY OF ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.  Where the hell does the time go?  I still remember taking him on his first day of kindergarten and crying my eyes out.  Not going to lie....I might have gotten a little emotional again this year.  But this time I waited until I got to the car. 

It is funny how when we were kids, the school year use to take FOREVER to be over.  Now that I'm a parent, the school years fly by.  I know before I know it, my youngest (now 19 months) will be starting kindergarten.  That will be the last of my babies....and the hardest for me.  

A good Daddy

I hope everyone had a good father's day.  I enjoyed spending the day with my wonderful hubby and our kids.

 He never thinks it is silly to get down on the ground and crawl around with the baby.  And, as you can see...the little guy eats that up.

 All smiles from these two.  They love to play hard.

 Here are all my boys!  Don't they look alike....sometime I feel like Daddy gave birth to them and not me.

And here is the #1 dad with his oldest and youngest!

A father can be many things.  It takes a special kind of man to be there for his kiddos when they truely need them.  To be able to break down and cry at the birth of them or because the participated in an awesome program with school.  The one that teaches them to hunt, ride a four wheeler and even help them take their first steps.

I love you for being an awesome dad!

I need sleep

Since for some reason I've been blessed with extra blog traffic I feel the need to pull together a post to try and keep people a little interested.  Problem is....I have nothing!

I do however have an issue in my household.  The cute little baby you see in the photo...he wakes up EVERY night between 10 and 11 and will NOT go back to sleep in his own bed!

Now, I love my children with all my heart and would do anything for them but enough is enough.  This has gone one for about 2 weeks.  I don't sleep well when the cutest little baby in the world is snuggled next to me.  Also, hubby and I have no alone time (know what I mean).  I think we will just have to bite the bullet one night and stay up while he screams at us until he starts sleeping in his bed again.

But he's still the cutest baby!

He makes me smile

This little boy makes me smile, alot!  He is getting his own personality and I love it.  I love that ever morning when I change his diaper, he wants kisses.  I love that when I pick him up from daycare he is so excited to see me he almost shakes.  I love the way he giggles when I take off his shoes and socks.  I love the cute little way he tries to blow kisses.  I love the way he plays peek-a-boo.  I love that when he gets sleepy, he snuggles.

I love this boy!

"The dinner"

So, remember the other day when I posted about admitting I was scared?

Well, Alexys had dinner with her mom Wednesday night. First time they have talked or seen each other in 7 months.

I was worried that Alexys was possible going to get hurt again or that our relationship would change. For the past 7 months I have been her only motherly figure. As hard as it is, I love it. Don't get me wrong I want her to have a relationship with her mother but she causes a problem with how I parent. And seeing how Alexys lives in my house...I feel she should live by my rules (which Alexys agrees with).

They had dinner, even went for ice cream. Alexys said it went well but was...weird. She knows they are never close but she wasn't really looking for that. She said something about not needing her to be a "motherly figure" because that is what she has me for!

That's when it hit me!

No matter what happens between Alexys and her mother it will never change the relationship we share together. I by no means am saying that I am a better mother. But we do "mother" differently.

Her mother is very controlling but also tries to be her friend. While I like to have a little control, she's also 17 and needs to start getting prepared for the real world. I'm also more of an affectionate person. I tell all my kids I love them before they go to bed. I like hugs. While I know Alexys hasn't been use to this day to day since she's only lived with us 7 months out of her life, I think she likes it. She always tells me she loves me back. Once a week or so I even get a hug squeezed out of her. She makes posts from time to time saying I'm a great mom...she doesn't realize how important that is.

My boys have loved me from the beginning...I'm their birth mom. But Alexys, I had to earn that love. When she introduces me to her friends as "my mom"....I honestly get teary eyed.

I love that girl!

Admitting it

Admitting your scared of something is hard. Not just to others....it is harder to admit it to yourself. I'm scared! What if it changes all the work we have done to get to this point? It could happen.

My step-daughter and her mother haven't talked since August. They are having dinner together this week. And...I am scared. What if her mother doesn't live up to her expectations and hurts her even more? What if she tries to fly back into her life and control things again? I think it is very important for Alexys to have a relationship with her mother. I have always said that. And, I was and still am totally for her reaching out to her mother. But Alexys wants to have a relationship on her terms. That's not how it is going to be and I hope she is ready for that. You NEVER get what you want out of a relationship. Sometime you get more...but usually you get less. I'll always be here for her. But this is something I can not fix for her. I know her mom doesn't like how I parent. But I do hope that she is mature enough to take that up with her father and not bad mouth me to Alexys. I don't see Alexys taking well to that. Like it or not...I've been her only mother for the past 7 months and have ALWAYS treated her like one of my children since she has been in my life. Step parenting is hard. I tell Alexys I love her with all my heart but I hope she never has to go through what I've had to.

A child's love

This is one of my favorite photos from Blake's first birthday party. Blake stuck his hand right in Robert's mouth. I love seeing these two together. I think having a child when we are older makes you appreciate things a little more. Don't get me wrong, we totally love our other two kids, but we were both very young. We had no idea what we were doing and were not really mentally "ready" for the family thing. We made it work though. We have three wonderful kids that are my pride and joy! You don't know love until you have a love from a child...so precious and pure. Hug your babies a little more!

It just hit me

Yesterday Devon, my 10 year old, was left home alone for the first time. His sister left the house at 4 and i called him at 4:30 and 5. I was probably more stressed about it then him. I text Alexys and said "you have only been gone an hour and I've already checked on him twice". She laughed at me and I responded with "damn you kids for growing up". And she said "at least you still have Blake". I didn't respond. That comment didn't feel right. As I was driving home it hit me.

I'm an emotional person, I know this and have accepted this. I cry watching the biggest loser because I get so happy for them when they lose 5 pounds and tell their sad story.

So, like I said, it hit me. Like out of no where I started sobbing. I was even like "WTF is wrong with me".

Alexys will be 18 this summer and then she will possibly move out the next summer after high school. She has grown up before my eyes. I met her when she was 6.

Devon is staying home now by himself. In a year and a half he will be in middle school.

I remember when I was younger time seemed to drag. You couldn't wait for school to be over and then the summers flew by. I felt like I was in school forever! Why is it when you are a parent the time always flies by? I feel like just the other day I was giving birth to Blake and he will be a year next Saturday.

I'm proud of all my kids and their accomplishments, don't get me wrong. But I also miss when they were little and liked to be cuddled. I will admit, Devon is still young enough that he likes to snuggle when he is sleepy. Alexys and I send random sweet texts to one another saying how greatful we are for one another. And Blake is just a baby....and I soak that up as much as I can.

We are getting even closer

I bought this journal for my daughter (for the newbies, she actually my step) for Christmas. I didn't know if she would think it was dumb or not. Keep in mind she is 17! But she actually really liked the idea. The mother fills out the left pages and the daughter the right. It asks questions like what's your favorite food or memory together. There is free space to ask random question. There is even a page to draw your dream outfit.

We have been doing the journal back and forth for about a week now. We love it! I already feel like I'm getting to know her on a different level. Just an idea for all you moms out there.

Now if they would just make one for sons and mothers I would have it made!

And I cried!

See this pretty young lady? This is Alexys. Those of you that are new to this blog (thank you by the way) she is my 17 year old step-daughter that I would proudly claim as my own any day of the week. She has been in my life since she was 6. She moved in with us last August, but we have wanted her to live with us for years...things just didn't work out until now.

Anyways, I've been sitting on her heart felt words she said a week ago. I only shared them with a few people. I thought I would share them with you now.

Last Tuesday we went to get our hair done after I got off work. We were talking about random things, like we usually do. We talked about when she gets older and then she said the sweetest thing. "When I get older and think about having a family, I want one just like ours. We are perfect." My eyes instantly became watery. She went on talking about other stuff and looked over at me and said "omg, you are going to cry aren't you"...I tried my best to muffle out a "NO" but it was to late. A few tears did fall and we drove the rest of the way in silence.

I think as a mother in general you always wonder how you are doing, how you kids view you, are you doing a "good" job. As a step-mom, I think those concerns double. With my boys the bond was instant from birth. With Alexys we had to build it.

Without even realizing it, Alexys gave me the best compliment ever. I've raised a good family. I have great kids and it shows. I am so blessed to have her in my life. She was my first taste of motherhood and she did not disappoint.

I love you Alexys!

Finding Sanity

If any of you remember last week I blogged about my slight meltdown last Saturday...if not read here. I'll wait....

So, I am trying to fix the situation that I have put myself in. For the first time in well over a year....I made no plans this weekend other than spend time with my kiddos. I have had several people tell me in the past few days (after reading my blog) that they do notice that I'm ALWAYS busy. One even said I tend to "burn the candle at both ends". So really, it's no wonder I had a meltdown.

Before I left work today, my wonderful daughter (17 years old) text me and asked if we could have movie night. She totally made my night! We haven't really talked much lately and I figured it would be like this weekend. Plus dear hubby is at the deer least, again, and I have both boys alone. My friends tease all the time, I'm the single mom with three kids. Any who...I left work and picked up the boys and came home to pick up Alexys. We went to CiCi's Pizza for dinner and then to Red Box to rent some movies. When we got home, Devon immediately went in his room to watch his movie. Alexys and I put on our jammies and played with Blake on the living room floor. It was really nice, and relaxing. Then Alexys and I watched our movie and when it was over it was still early (for me).

I put Blake to bed, he was already asleep anyways and started to "declutter" the house. I went through drawers and threw stuff away. I went though alot of stuff in my bed room and either threw it away or paid a pile for donation. I'm far from done but it is after midnight now. Tomorrow morning Devon and I are going to decorate the tree and Alexys will take some pics. I plan on decorating the whole inside of the house for Christmas but with a 10 month old that likes a little attention from time to time that gets hard. Alexys already asked to go to dinner with her boyfriend tomorrow and then stay the night with a friend. I guess it is just me and the boys tomorrow night. I want to bake some cookies for a care package I would like to get in the mail Monday. I also have a few frames around the house that I just need to print out updated pictures for...that's on my to do list as well.

Our weather is so dumb in Texas. Tomorrow it is going to be 78 and then Sunday I think the high is 58! WTF? And I wonder why we keep getting sick.

I hope everyone has a wonderful night!

For the love of Sanity

via

I have been really stressed out lately, for several reasons. I have three kids! That's the biggest reason there. Plus, it is deer season so that means on the weekends.....I'm alone with three kids! I cook, clean, think and worry about three kids....ALL. THE. TIME! There has been a time or two lately at some point one or all of the kids have misbehaved in public or at friends house. This stresses me out and embarrasses me. I don't like that other people have to get on to my kids. I'm not saying I get made at my friends. See, my friends and I have an unspoken agreement...if one of our kids is acting up, call them out and make them act right, then tell their mom. Also, as two of my kids get older they are more independent and don't want to include me as much. I know this is a part of life, but I still miss them and I get upset. I've been keeping all this in for a few weeks. We have been VERY busy to say the least for months now. And then it happened. I had a meltdown Saturday in front of friends and people I didn't know. I. could. not. stop. crying! A friend of mine asked me via email what was up, she noticed my facebook updates were kind of blah. This friend and I don't talk often, but when we do it's deep. I told her all this crap....and she then asked me if I wanted her opinion. I found this strange, to me, not to her though. I am always open to peoples opinions. Sometime they are helpful and sometimes I disregard them but I'm always interested on how others view things. Let me start off by saying family and friends are very important to me. That's why we are always busy. But it seams by family I mean extended...not the ones I live with (but they are important to). I'll explain. My dear friend pointed out that I'm always busy, ALWAYS. And even though I know this, it hit me different having someone else tell me. This friend hasn't gone out with us much since her son was born 3 years ago. It use to bother me but what she said to me made total sense. She reminded me that they are only kids once. Your friends and family and even husband for that matter are secondary. And she is right! Maybe me getting stressed out about having three kids isn't about actually having three kids, it is because we are always on the go and doing that with three kids is what stresses me out. I need to stay home and be lazy with my kids, or play outside or inside with them. Let them know that running around like a crazy lady isn't normal. And like she said, some people (friends and family) might get upset, but I have to learn to say no! As much as I would love to do it all and be everywhere, my children mean the world to me and I don't want to regret not being their for them for one second.

So to my dear friend...thank you for ditching me the past 3 years to be there for your son, I won't make fun of you again. And thanks for "straightening" me out. I feel the stress going away already. Hubby will be gone this weekend and it will be just the kids and I at home, and that sounds wonderful!

Hold On

I love this picture! Blake is holding on to daddy while getting extra oxygen after being born. Precious.

A Wonderful Day Off

beautiful photo taken by my daughter Today I had the day off....and loved it. I felt like such a "SAHM" it was crazy. My daughter missed the bus so I took her to school. Then I got my two boys ready for school and daycare. I also got all my craft stuff in the trunk of my car to do a craft/baking day with a friend of mine. I took Devon to school. Then Blake and I stopped off at the donut shot because he turned 9 months today so I thought he should celebrate in some way so he brought donuts for his teachers and all his friends. After dropping him off, I was on my way for a fun filled day. I will post later about our baking and crafting. We had ALOT of fun. Also, we have a birthday/costume party for my 5 year old cousin tomorrow so it should be for a good post. Robert and I have never dressed up for Halloween so I'm excited. We are going to be an 80's rock star couple. I are the bomb!!! Hope everyone has a good weekend!

30 Day Challenge--Day 6

Something you hope you never have to do I hope I never have to bury my children. I know to most people it is a given. But I have seen first hand how hard it is for someone I love to have to come to terms with such a tragedy. I think often we watch the news, and hear these horror stories of children dieing. Your heart always goes out to them and their family but you never really think it will happen to yours, until it does. There are some things you can never forget, and seeing a grown man cry and grieve for his daughter is one of them. Never take any moment with your children for granted. You don't know when someone will feel their time is up in this world. My three kids mean the world to me and I couldn't imagine life without them. I hope everyone holds their babies close. My oldest son is 9, and when he actually wants to snuggle...sweet! Children are a blessing, treat them as one.

Photos by Nicole C Photography

Thirty Day Challenge-Day 4

Something you have to forgive someone else for I find these challenges to get progressively harder. I have to look at my life and all the imperfections that I thought I have dealt with...any maybe you really never do. Something I have to forgive someone else for....that can be an open ended question. It can be as simple as a friend that has hurt you, an old boyfriend...a sister that might have caused you pain...or worse...it could be a parent. My real father has never really been there for me, ever. I never put a whole lot of thought as to why until I became a parent myself. I can't imagine never wanting to talk to my kids or having them in my life. I'm sure he has his reasons, but I can't imagine them being good ones. He has been in my life sporadically. A year hear and there. Recently (for some reason unknown to me) my step-mom is pissed at me and so all communication has pretty much stopped. With the birth of my last child my father mailed me a card....an effin card. I just gave the miracle of life and you can't pick up the phone...really! But, his lack of being a good father I some what came to terms with before I got married. I invited him and his wife (let me mention we have always been on good terms) to the wedding but I wanted it to be clear that he wasn't going to walk me down the aisle. A week or so later, I received a card and a check for $1000 and a note saying it was better for them to send money then to come. And that reason, on top of a million others, is why I decided (the day I got engaged) that my step-father was going to walk me down the aisle. The man that has been there no matter what and loves me to know end. So, to my birth father: I forgive you for being a shitty dad, I see why your other kids choose not to talk to you, sorry I had faith in you and gave you time. I have a happy life and I do have a dad, he might not have known me from birth, but I know he sure wishes he had.

Preggers

When I got to work this morning I was greeted with some wonderful news. A co-worker, who has wanted another child forever, finally got pregnant. I was so unbelievably happy for her. I know just how she feels. It took me over a year to get pregnant! Being pregnant later in life helps you appreciate all the little things I think. With my first pregnancy I wad very young and naive and didn't think much of it really. With my last pregnancy I took it all in. Plus I had been raising my other kids so you are more conscious about the "miracle of life" inside you. I loved being pregnant!

So, to my Dear friend "C"...enjoy every moment, take it all in (the good and the bad). You and "J" created a perfect little person to show the world your love for one another. "D" will be an awesome big brother, just wait and see! Here's to your next chapter in life....

Instruction Manual

I often wonder where the hell the instruction manual for parenting is. I don't think that God gave a child to a husband and wife and said "Here, figure it out and don't eff it up!". I'm just sure that's NOT how it went down.

I have three beautiful kids who I love with all my might...but I often wonder if I'm making the right choices as a parent. I'm sure all parents go through this (at least I hope). If I sit and think about it to much I just stress myself out.

Raising a child is one of the most difficult jobs. As a child/teenager I went through life thinking my mom had it easy and being a parent wasn't that difficult. I even thought sometimes my mom's rules were crazy and she didn't understand and yada yada. It wasn't until I became a parent myself that I apologized to my mom. I wasn't a bad kid by any means. I just now realize just how hard it is.

Every ones situations are different. So, what works for one family might not necessarily work for another. Plus, with so many people having a blended family it really changes the who dynamics of it all.

I try to make the right choices with all my kids. And sometimes I will be the first to admit (after the fact) that it isn't always the right one. But I learn from it, fix it, and carry on....it's all I can do. I hope when they get older they to will realize how hard it is to be a parent and maybe even appreciate all the hard work I put into our "party of five". It's not always easy...but they are totally worth it.